Assalamualaikum wbt…

It has been a several months that i isolated myself from reality, surrounding, and people. Last month was extremely suffocating.

I took a stab to go through with it.

I just started my job exactly as my dream. Nevertheless, just after a few months, i have to let go my daily routines. Several things happened continuously and i tried to accept them. It triggered my emotions and my mental. You think i can think normally? I tried to help myself to cool down by being alone. I couldnt talk too much like i used to. I couldnt put myself at the happy state like i used to. I ignored all messages for months now. I left my texts at seen. I was waiting my time to disappear. No one to understand. Even my lect texted me asking why i didnt replied her. 

Being in Mecca last time was out of my imagination. I couldnt believe myself that i would able to be there in this age. The deeds was nothing without my father and mother in law. May Allah grant them the highest Jannah. I never blamed this fate to letgo of my job for Mecca. I never regret it even a bit. I accepted it but it took time. 

I never imagined that i’ll lose someone that i loved in my life which is my dearest brother, Amin. Ya Allah…i dont know. I just lost words to describe how good he was. It was enough that Allah took him on Friday during Ramadhan. That answered the wonders. Thank you Allah for letting us know him. Allah Allah

This is the time i opened up my story.

I still remember, 18th of February, how i came to Kak Anis at surau in tears but still can laugh. Then Kak Anis said, padan muka. Hahaha. At the end of the day, i still got time to have an ice-breaking within my department and IT as well. Like, 2 hours before we can go back i think. I came to Kak Salmi’s place and told her about that. You know what Kak Salmi, last night blabla. And she calmed me a-bit. She said, it’s okay. You can move-on. I’m a bit okay that time and i never expected to get along with them slowly. 

A night before my first day job was horrendous. I couldn’t sleep, i was crying all night. I told my friends that i was not okay. I bet they get worried a bit since i was alone. Then there was one friend i knew since last year. He called me and tried to accompany me until 3/4  am, even i never asked him to do so. So nice ah, i’m touched. I slept for 2 hours i guess or i didnt sleep at all. I called my omma before subuh prayer. I cried and told her everything. She called me many times that day. She get worried about me. I should’ve realized all the time that my omma was always there when i need her the most 😭 

First day was a gloomy day for me. I lost my power but still i was thinking about myself as well. I cannot be sad. I met Aisyah, same batch with me and i talked to her about that. She listened even we just met a few hours before. Then, there was the moment that i remembered the most. I sit with her in the surau. And...”Can i hug you? I dont have anyone to hug right now. Can i hug u?🥺” i hugged her while crying since there was no one during that time in surau. That was embarrassing but i couldnt hold it anymore. I dont want to remember it but still...she was an amazing friend, i swear.

I was getting mad at the person that ruined my day. My first job after i graduated. Even before this, during my intern, i was crying too before i start my first day. What i’ve done to you that you can break my heart? Even my friends never do that to me, i swear. Why? 

But i know. At the end of the day, the wrong one is still me.

So let’s assume that, it was my mistake. I’ve been alone without anyone to be attached for years. I mean besides my precious friends. It hurts me a lot until i cannot accept anyone anymore (everyone knows this feeling i guess). But then he came. Why? Just to break the broken part? Thank you. It doesn’t matter anyway. Let’s assume one more time that you were happy for the rest of your life for doing so to people👌🏻 relationship is like changing clothes routine right? Lost feelings, lost interest, and being hanged. That was a great toxic. But hey, it’s not your fault. I’m the one who is wrong, i’m sorry. 

During intern, I lost my weight. I didn’t eat properly, one of the reason, i did my facial. I took accutane. I took care of my body. I need to follow all the rules (pantang). My mental was not good. My emotions was horrible. I lost myself when i tried too hard to be with someone that i thought i’m gonna share my future with. I hate my interns. I almost depressed. My heart was burning, every single day, it hurts like hell. I cried a lot though. 

I tried to create smiles but still hurt. I didn’t know what should i do. Between should i stay, or let-go. 

Allah gave me the way that i never expect to find myself in a short time. He sent me here. To meet them. So, believe that Allah never burden us for something that we can’t have. He is the Greatest. I was thinking about myself so that’s why i chose what’s the best for myself during that time. 

I’m happy here. I laughed a lot. I ate a lot. I got my weight back. I got my smiles back. I’m feeling myself. I found myself. 

i found myself when i’m here. I can breathe....Allah really sent me these people to keep me going. I never asked for more. I’m blessed! Aisyah, thank you for the hugs. You were the one who saw my tears on the first day here. “Can i hug u? I really need someone to hug 🥺”. I really can’t thanks enough. 

Kak salmi, thank you for trusting me and being my sister here. I never found someone as nice as you. May Allah bless you and may you get what you want in life. I know you’re much stronger than you think, right?

Kak anis, i don’t know how to say this. But, i can’t be thankful enough to be here with you. We have each other like a family. How can i leave all this behind? That’s why i can’t. But this is life isnt it? It might sounds cliche but people come and go. Can i keep you guys forever? You guys were good to me. 

The time heals. Keep going. I almost give up. But now i’m totally great. I gained weight, i have my smile back, i almost achieve my dreams, i will get there. I wont let myself fall again. No

What happened yesterday was the biggest lessons in my life. Thank you for those who come and go. i really appreciate you. Without these, i never knew how the broken and depression feels like. Well, experience is the best teacher isn’t it? i learned my lessons. 

To hold something again, is not easy, as i let go all this once again to chase my dreams. i move on already :)

Thank you. 

Before i go, i just want to say that...i love you. I really do❤️

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Yes I hate you, you left me
But I never stopped thinking about you, not even a day
Honestly I miss you, but
I’ll erase you
'Cause it hurts less than to blame you

I try to exhale you in pain
Like smoke, like white smoke
I say that I’ll erase you
But I can’t really let you go yet

Dear Mashi-ayu that i used to know,

How are you now? I heard you had such a breaking phase in the past days and months. I'm here to ask you, are you okay now? Please tell me that you are okay. Are you okay, right? Don't lie to me. You can lie to yourself but with me, please don't lie. I can see it all through your eyes.

I'm sorry Mashi for the past few months. I am so sorry for neglecting you. I ignored your feeling. I ignored what you feel. I let you cried alone in the middle of the night. I let you broken alone. You always asked me to be with you but I ignored you and you walked alone. You were hurting that much but you still keep your smile on your face. In fact, I know that you kept a thousand of reasons to burst in front of me. You hold your tears, you walked without my helps.
What in your thoughts Mashi without me?
Am I lost in your sights? Am I still exist inyour life Mashi? Your worries, your struggles, I let you going through alone. Mashi, I am sorry. I mean it.

I am here now. I let you alone for so long. But here I am. Please let me hold you. Let me hold you to walk together. I am here with you when you need me. I promise not to let you go just like that anymore. Mashi, you know that I love you. Don't let the stitch kill yourself. I am here, I promise. I am not going to let you hurt again. You fall too easy. I just want you to fall for me, okay? Now, hold my hand. I’ll never ever let you go anymore.

Sometimes girls love to do something that they already know, that the other girls will feel the same way as theirs when they did it. May I know what I did wrong to you to hurt me? Because someone hurts you, then you want to hurt me the same?

It’s okay :)

You can’t even broke the broken heart. It’s already broken before you came. May you will be happy, I swear.

I don’t even mad at all. There’s no rules you will be not end up like me. May Allah bless both 🥰

Just wanna say fuck you til I fuck you again
I think I've had enough of you, but I don't wanna lose a friend
I'm gonna love you forever
That's just my curse

It's whatever
I thought you'd leave me
I'm the bottle, you're the genie
And I don't think I give a damn

I felt the beating
Thank god I ate my wheaties
Or I don't know if I could stand
We hate to give in, but we're hardly living comfortably

I hate you because you think that you're still in love with me
It's time we drift apart, we're blind and in the dark
I kinda wanna care but it's kinda too late to start
And here you are, hitting my line
Hitting rewind on the past for the 50th time

Come on tell me, what do you think
Wanna lay down, up in the clouds or under the sheets