I still remember, on the 18th of February, how I came to Kak Anis at Surau in tears but still can laugh. Then Kak Anis said, padan muka. Hahaha. At the end of the day, I still have time to have an ice-breaker within my department and IT. Like, 2 hours before we can go back, I think. I came to Kak Salmi’s place and told her about that. You know what, Kak Salmi, last night blabla. And she calmed me a bit. She said, It’s okay. You can move on. I’m a bit okay with that time, and I never expected to get along with them slowly. 

The night before my first day at work was horrendous. I couldn’t sleep; I was crying all night. I told my friends that I was not okay. I bet they get worried a bit since I was alone. Then there was one friend I had known since last year. He called me and tried to accompany me until 3/4  am, even though I never asked him to do so. So nice ah, I’m touched. I slept for 2 hours, I guess, or I didn't sleep at all. I called my omma before subuh prayer. I cried and told her everything. She called me many times that day. She gets worried about me. I should’ve realized all the time that my omma was always there when I needed her the most 😭 

The first day was gloomy day for me. I lost my power, but still I was thinking about myself as well. I cannot be sad. I met Aisyah, from the same batch as me, and I talked to her about that. She listened even though we had just met a few hours before. Then, there was the moment that I remembered the most. I sit with her in the surau. And...” Can I hug you? I don't have anyone to hug right now. Can I hug u?🥺” I hugged her while crying since there was no one during that time in Surau. That was embarrassing, but I couldn't hold it anymore. I don't want to remember it, but still...she was an amazing friend, I swear.

I was getting mad at the person who ruined my day. My first job was after I graduated. Even before this, during my internship, I was crying too before I started my first day. What have I done to you that you can break my heart? Even my friends never do that to me, I swear. Why? 

But I know. At the end of the day, the wrong one is still me.

So let’s assume that it was my mistake. I’ve been alone without anyone to be attached to for years. I mean, besides my precious friends. It hurts me a lot until I cannot accept anyone anymore (everyone knows this feeling, I guess). But then he came. Why? Just to break the broken part? Thank you. It doesn’t matter anyway. Let’s assume one more time that you were happy for the rest of your life for doing so to people👌🏻 relationship is like changing clothes routine, right? Lost feelings, lost interest, and being hanged. That was a great toxic. But hey, it’s not your fault. I’m the wrong one, I’m sorry. 

During my internship, I lost weight. I didn’t eat properly, one of the reasons I did my facial. I took Accutane. I took care of my body. I need to follow all the rules (pantang). My mental state was not good. My emotions were horrible. I lost myself when I tried too hard to be with someone that I thought I was gonna share my future with. I hate my interns. I'm almost depressed. My heart was burning, every single day, it hurts like hell. I cried a lot, though. 

I tried to create smiles, but I was still hurt. I didn’t know what I should do. Should I stay, or let go? 

Allah gave me the way that I never expected to find myself in a short time. He sent me here. To meet them. So, believe that Allah never burdens us with something that we can’t have. He is the Greatest. I was thinking about myself, so that’s why I chose what’s best for myself during that time. 

I’m happy here. I laughed a lot. I ate a lot. I got my weight back. I got my smile back. I’m feeling myself. I found myself. 

I found myself when I’m here. I can breathe....Allah really sent me these people to keep me going. I never asked for more. I’m blessed! Aisyah, thank you for the hugs. You were the one who saw my tears on the first day here. “Can I hug u? I really need someone to hug 🥺”. I really can’t thank you enough. 

Kak salmi, thank you for trusting me and being my sister here. I never found someone as nice as you. May Allah bless you and may you get what you want in life. I know you’re much stronger than you think, right?

Kak anis, I don’t know how to say this. But I can’t be thankful enough to be here with you. We have each other like a family. How can I leave all this behind? That’s why I can’t. But this is life, isn't it? It might sound cliché, but people come and go. Can I keep you guys forever? You guys were good to me. 

Time heals. Keep going. I almost gave up. But now I’m totally great. I gained weight, I have my smile back, I have almost achieved my dreams, and I will get there. I won't let myself fall again. No

What happened yesterday was the biggest lesson in my life. Thank you to those who come and go. I really appreciate you. Without these, I never knew how broken and depressed I felt. Well, experience is the best teacher, isn’t it? I learned my lessons. 

To hold something again is not easy, as I let go of all this once again to chase my dreams. I move on already :)

Thank you. 

Before I go, I just want to say that...I love you. I really do❤️