I still remember, 18th of February, how i came to Kak Anis at surau in tears but still can laugh. Then Kak Anis said, padan muka. Hahaha. At the end of the day, i still got time to have an ice-breaking within my department and IT as well. Like, 2 hours before we can go back i think. I came to Kak Salmi’s place and told her about that. You know what Kak Salmi, last night blabla. And she calmed me a-bit. She said, it’s okay. You can move-on. I’m a bit okay that time and i never expected to get along with them slowly. 

A night before my first day job was horrendous. I couldn’t sleep, i was crying all night. I told my friends that i was not okay. I bet they get worried a bit since i was alone. Then there was one friend i knew since last year. He called me and tried to accompany me until 3/4  am, even i never asked him to do so. So nice ah, i’m touched. I slept for 2 hours i guess or i didnt sleep at all. I called my omma before subuh prayer. I cried and told her everything. She called me many times that day. She get worried about me. I should’ve realized all the time that my omma was always there when i need her the most 😭 

First day was a gloomy day for me. I lost my power but still i was thinking about myself as well. I cannot be sad. I met Aisyah, same batch with me and i talked to her about that. She listened even we just met a few hours before. Then, there was the moment that i remembered the most. I sit with her in the surau. And...”Can i hug you? I dont have anyone to hug right now. Can i hug u?🥺” i hugged her while crying since there was no one during that time in surau. That was embarrassing but i couldnt hold it anymore. I dont want to remember it but still...she was an amazing friend, i swear.

I was getting mad at the person that ruined my day. My first job after i graduated. Even before this, during my intern, i was crying too before i start my first day. What i’ve done to you that you can break my heart? Even my friends never do that to me, i swear. Why? 

But i know. At the end of the day, the wrong one is still me.

So let’s assume that, it was my mistake. I’ve been alone without anyone to be attached for years. I mean besides my precious friends. It hurts me a lot until i cannot accept anyone anymore (everyone knows this feeling i guess). But then he came. Why? Just to break the broken part? Thank you. It doesn’t matter anyway. Let’s assume one more time that you were happy for the rest of your life for doing so to people👌🏻 relationship is like changing clothes routine right? Lost feelings, lost interest, and being hanged. That was a great toxic. But hey, it’s not your fault. I’m the one who is wrong, i’m sorry. 

During intern, I lost my weight. I didn’t eat properly, one of the reason, i did my facial. I took accutane. I took care of my body. I need to follow all the rules (pantang). My mental was not good. My emotions was horrible. I lost myself when i tried too hard to be with someone that i thought i’m gonna share my future with. I hate my interns. I almost depressed. My heart was burning, every single day, it hurts like hell. I cried a lot though. 

I tried to create smiles but still hurt. I didn’t know what should i do. Between should i stay, or let-go. 

Allah gave me the way that i never expect to find myself in a short time. He sent me here. To meet them. So, believe that Allah never burden us for something that we can’t have. He is the Greatest. I was thinking about myself so that’s why i chose what’s the best for myself during that time. 

I’m happy here. I laughed a lot. I ate a lot. I got my weight back. I got my smiles back. I’m feeling myself. I found myself. 

i found myself when i’m here. I can breathe....Allah really sent me these people to keep me going. I never asked for more. I’m blessed! Aisyah, thank you for the hugs. You were the one who saw my tears on the first day here. “Can i hug u? I really need someone to hug 🥺”. I really can’t thanks enough. 

Kak salmi, thank you for trusting me and being my sister here. I never found someone as nice as you. May Allah bless you and may you get what you want in life. I know you’re much stronger than you think, right?

Kak anis, i don’t know how to say this. But, i can’t be thankful enough to be here with you. We have each other like a family. How can i leave all this behind? That’s why i can’t. But this is life isnt it? It might sounds cliche but people come and go. Can i keep you guys forever? You guys were good to me. 

The time heals. Keep going. I almost give up. But now i’m totally great. I gained weight, i have my smile back, i almost achieve my dreams, i will get there. I wont let myself fall again. No

What happened yesterday was the biggest lessons in my life. Thank you for those who come and go. i really appreciate you. Without these, i never knew how the broken and depression feels like. Well, experience is the best teacher isn’t it? i learned my lessons. 

To hold something again, is not easy, as i let go all this once again to chase my dreams. i move on already :)

Thank you. 

Before i go, i just want to say that...i love you. I really do❤️