Life lately feels like a balancing act between different worlds I’m living in. By day, I’m a lecturer, teaching coding, databases, and guiding my students to think critically about technology. I enjoy watching them grow, stumble a little, and then rise again with newfound understanding. Teaching has become more than just a career path; it’s part of my identity now, shaping me as much as I hope to shape them.

At the same time, I’m pursuing my PhD. This journey is equal parts exciting and daunting. I’ve chosen a qualitative path, exploring areas close to my heart, information governance, AI, and how automation can play a role in their systems. It’s still early, but I’m slowly learning that research is not only about answers, but about asking the right questions.

Beyond academia, my life is grounded at home. I’m a wife and a mom to a little one who just turned two. Every day is filled with small joys: giggles, bedtime routines, and the messy but beautiful rhythm of family life. My mornings start early, often with sleepy eyes and nasi bungkus for my parents before the 40-minute commute to work. By the time I step into the classroom, I’ve already lived a whole morning of responsibilities.

It’s not always easy;
there are days when I feel tired, anxious, or stretched too thin. But I remind myself that this phase of life is temporary yet meaningful. I’m learning to appreciate slow mornings with tea instead of coffee, the Japandi-inspired calm I’m trying to bring into my home, and the bigger picture of what I’m working toward.

Right now, my life is about building knowledge, career, family, and a future home that feels like us. It’s imperfect, but it’s real, and I’m grateful for every piece of it. 

Assalamualaikum wbt…

It has been a several months that i isolated myself from reality, surrounding, and people. Last month was extremely suffocating.

I took a stab to go through with it.

I just started my job exactly as my dream. Nevertheless, just after a few months, i have to let go my daily routines. Several things happened continuously and i tried to accept them. It triggered my emotions and my mental. You think i can think normally? I tried to help myself to cool down by being alone. I couldnt talk too much like i used to. I couldnt put myself at the happy state like i used to. I ignored all messages for months now. I left my texts at seen. I was waiting my time to disappear. No one to understand. Even my lect texted me asking why i didnt replied her. 

Being in Mecca last time was out of my imagination. I couldnt believe myself that i would able to be there in this age. The deeds was nothing without my father and mother in law. May Allah grant them the highest Jannah. I never blamed this fate to letgo of my job for Mecca. I never regret it even a bit. I accepted it but it took time. 

I never imagined that i’ll lose someone that i loved in my life which is my dearest brother, Amin. Ya Allah…i dont know. I just lost words to describe how good he was. It was enough that Allah took him on Friday during Ramadhan. That answered the wonders. Thank you Allah for letting us know him. Allah Allah

This is the time I opened up my story.

I still remember, on the 18th of February, how I came to Kak Anis at Surau in tears but still can laugh. Then Kak Anis said, padan muka. Hahaha. At the end of the day, I still have time to have an ice-breaker within my department and IT. Like, 2 hours before we can go back, I think. I came to Kak Salmi’s place and told her about that. You know what, Kak Salmi, last night blabla. And she calmed me a bit. She said, It’s okay. You can move on. I’m a bit okay with that time, and I never expected to get along with them slowly. 

The night before my first day at work was horrendous. I couldn’t sleep; I was crying all night. I told my friends that I was not okay. I bet they get worried a bit since I was alone. Then there was one friend I had known since last year. He called me and tried to accompany me until 3/4  am, even though I never asked him to do so. So nice ah, I’m touched. I slept for 2 hours, I guess, or I didn't sleep at all. I called my omma before subuh prayer. I cried and told her everything. She called me many times that day. She gets worried about me. I should’ve realized all the time that my omma was always there when I needed her the most 😭 

The first day was gloomy day for me. I lost my power, but still I was thinking about myself as well. I cannot be sad. I met Aisyah, from the same batch as me, and I talked to her about that. She listened even though we had just met a few hours before. Then, there was the moment that I remembered the most. I sit with her in the surau. And...” Can I hug you? I don't have anyone to hug right now. Can I hug u?🥺” I hugged her while crying since there was no one during that time in Surau. That was embarrassing, but I couldn't hold it anymore. I don't want to remember it, but still...she was an amazing friend, I swear.

I was getting mad at the person who ruined my day. My first job was after I graduated. Even before this, during my internship, I was crying too before I started my first day. What have I done to you that you can break my heart? Even my friends never do that to me, I swear. Why? 

But I know. At the end of the day, the wrong one is still me.

So let’s assume that it was my mistake. I’ve been alone without anyone to be attached to for years. I mean, besides my precious friends. It hurts me a lot until I cannot accept anyone anymore (everyone knows this feeling, I guess). But then he came. Why? Just to break the broken part? Thank you. It doesn’t matter anyway. Let’s assume one more time that you were happy for the rest of your life for doing so to people👌🏻 relationship is like changing clothes routine, right? Lost feelings, lost interest, and being hanged. That was a great toxic. But hey, it’s not your fault. I’m the wrong one, I’m sorry. 

During my internship, I lost weight. I didn’t eat properly, one of the reasons I did my facial. I took Accutane. I took care of my body. I need to follow all the rules (pantang). My mental state was not good. My emotions were horrible. I lost myself when I tried too hard to be with someone that I thought I was gonna share my future with. I hate my interns. I'm almost depressed. My heart was burning, every single day, it hurts like hell. I cried a lot, though. 

I tried to create smiles, but I was still hurt. I didn’t know what I should do. Should I stay, or let go? 

Allah gave me the way that I never expected to find myself in a short time. He sent me here. To meet them. So, believe that Allah never burdens us with something that we can’t have. He is the Greatest. I was thinking about myself, so that’s why I chose what’s best for myself during that time. 

I’m happy here. I laughed a lot. I ate a lot. I got my weight back. I got my smile back. I’m feeling myself. I found myself. 

I found myself when I’m here. I can breathe....Allah really sent me these people to keep me going. I never asked for more. I’m blessed! Aisyah, thank you for the hugs. You were the one who saw my tears on the first day here. “Can I hug u? I really need someone to hug 🥺”. I really can’t thank you enough. 

Kak salmi, thank you for trusting me and being my sister here. I never found someone as nice as you. May Allah bless you and may you get what you want in life. I know you’re much stronger than you think, right?

Kak anis, I don’t know how to say this. But I can’t be thankful enough to be here with you. We have each other like a family. How can I leave all this behind? That’s why I can’t. But this is life, isn't it? It might sound cliché, but people come and go. Can I keep you guys forever? You guys were good to me. 

Time heals. Keep going. I almost gave up. But now I’m totally great. I gained weight, I have my smile back, I have almost achieved my dreams, and I will get there. I won't let myself fall again. No

What happened yesterday was the biggest lesson in my life. Thank you to those who come and go. I really appreciate you. Without these, I never knew how broken and depressed I felt. Well, experience is the best teacher, isn’t it? I learned my lessons. 

To hold something again is not easy, as I let go of all this once again to chase my dreams. I move on already :)

Thank you. 

Before I go, I just want to say that...I love you. I really do❤️

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Yes I hate you, you left me
But I never stopped thinking about you, not even a day
Honestly I miss you, but
I’ll erase you
'Cause it hurts less than to blame you

I try to exhale you in pain
Like smoke, like white smoke
I say that I’ll erase you
But I can’t really let you go yet

Dear Mashi-ayu that i used to know,

How are you now? I heard you had such a breaking phase in the past days and months. I'm here to ask you, are you okay now? Please tell me that you are okay. Are you okay, right? Don't lie to me. You can lie to yourself but with me, please don't lie. I can see it all through your eyes.

I'm sorry Mashi for the past few months. I am so sorry for neglecting you. I ignored your feeling. I ignored what you feel. I let you cried alone in the middle of the night. I let you broken alone. You always asked me to be with you but I ignored you and you walked alone. You were hurting that much but you still keep your smile on your face. In fact, I know that you kept a thousand of reasons to burst in front of me. You hold your tears, you walked without my helps.
What in your thoughts Mashi without me?
Am I lost in your sights? Am I still exist inyour life Mashi? Your worries, your struggles, I let you going through alone. Mashi, I am sorry. I mean it.

I am here now. I let you alone for so long. But here I am. Please let me hold you. Let me hold you to walk together. I am here with you when you need me. I promise not to let you go just like that anymore. Mashi, you know that I love you. Don't let the stitch kill yourself. I am here, I promise. I am not going to let you hurt again. You fall too easy. I just want you to fall for me, okay? Now, hold my hand. I’ll never ever let you go anymore.

Sometimes girls love to do something that they already know, that the other girls will feel the same way as theirs when they did it. May I know what I did wrong to you to hurt me? Because someone hurts you, then you want to hurt me the same?

It’s okay :)

You can’t even broke the broken heart. It’s already broken before you came. May you will be happy, I swear.

I don’t even mad at all. There’s no rules you will be not end up like me. May Allah bless both 🥰